


beautiful time

by chensungs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Ending, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Love, i'm sorry jaemin, kind of an open ending as well, some fluffy memories, this is my longest drabble so far and it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-24 05:38:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16633973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chensungs/pseuds/chensungs
Summary: chenle doesn't love him anymore. the thought comes in a little to blunt and jaemin finds himself choking on another sorrow filled cry, but it's the truth. so why can't he accept that?





	beautiful time

**Author's Note:**

> i was super proud of this while writing but after going back and editing it,,, i seriously debated not even posting it shjhjs it's THAT bad >:( but i am anyways since i also can't guarantee i'll have another work ready before this month is up. mostly because i'm going to be focused on my chensung au that is now up on my [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/chensnugs) !! so check that out if you're interested :D

After hours of sitting Jaemin is beginning to realize no amount of shifting will help him get more comfortable in his stiff desk chair - even if that thought doesn't stop him from still trying. It's getting late and he should have been in bed long ago yet instead he remains glued to his seat with the promise to himself of  _only a few more minutes_. It's been hours since the first had been broken, but he isn't going to tarnish the stubborn persona he's worked oh so hard to achieve that easily.

He glances at the time, squinting a bit to ensure the blurriness of his vision isn't play tricks on him and the clock does in fact read 3:31 am. Jaemin sighs, leaning back in his chair while his right hand still rests on the mouse. His eyes hurt even looking at the thousands of words on screen so he minimizes the unfinished article to help ease the stinging, even if only slightly, and attempts to rub the sleep out of them. It does so greatly but also makes him feel as though he could knock out right then and there, so he forces his eyes opened again.

He has no motivation to stop working. He did, at one point, but he was no longer here to clear Jaemin from toxic habits so he had since filled the absence with more and more overtime until his body physically couldn't take it anymore. It was unhealthy, he knew that, Jeno had stressed it to him multiple times, but it worked best to help calm his overbearing mind to even fall asleep in the first place.

Jaemin knows he shouldn't; he should keep himself busy until that cycle begins to take it's course and finally puts an end to this longer that usual day, but he can't stop himself from wanting to search for some kind of comfort instead. His hand drifts to his file folders almost completely unconsciously and scrolls to his most visited one with little to no reluctance, his mouse pausing over the label our_beautiful_time.mp4.

He really, really shouldn't. Jeno swears (mostly unintentionally) skipping meals and overworking is destructive, while Jaemin genuinely believes facing his heartache is worse. Nothing has ever hurt him more than Chenle leaving. No pain Jaemin has ever felt can even compare to the burning in his chest from looking at their old photos together, and even more harrowing, the ones of Chenle now. He looks so happy in those photos - happier than he ever looked in his last few months with Jaemin.

Before that, though, was where the videos came into play. A time where Chenle felt just as deeply for Jaemin as Jaemin did for Chenle. When Chenle's smile was genuine and laugh full of love, eyes glistening with something impossible to describe as anything other than pure joy, an emotion Jaemin wished was in them the last time he saw Chenle in person. Which is why he uses videos to remember them through instead.

So with a deep breath, Jaemin double clicks. And a familiar beginning screen pops up, one Jaemin once and still deeply adores staring back at him. He presses play.

_"Chenle, what are you doing right now?" Jaemin's voice sounds from the recording, smile heard clear in his tone as he focuses his lens on Chenle. The younger's lips turn up slightly on the ends, though it's obvious he's trying to fight the grin, as he shakes his head at his boyfriend's antics._

_"You're so embarrassing," he mumbles, nearly whispered words only notable because of their proximity. "Can you put that down and help me, please?"_

_Jaemin laughs softly at Chenle's faux annoyed tone, "Nope. Because you can do it on your own, I believe in you."_

_Chenle groans, head being thrown back as Jaemin moves the camera to film his current task at hand. Quite literally, at that; Chenle's hands are covered in clay, still in the mist of forming the mug Jaemin was originally assisting him in making before he disappeared to get his camera and film him instead. Chenle knows he's been aching to use that thing since he gave Jaemin it for his birthday, but he could of at least waited until when the former wasn't in the middle of something he had no experience in doing._

_"You can't invite me to try your hobbies then let me finish them all by myself," Chenle whines, jutting his bottom lip out as he zeros his attention back on his project. Jaemin moves to film that expression instead, saying something that sounds oddly similar to 'cute' under his breath._

_Normally Chenle would comment on it, but right now he's much more concerned with how thin his clay is getting. Jaemin takes notice to this and returns to his job of directing instead._

_"Take your thumbs out now, and just focus on shaping it," he instructs, zooming in on the somewhat mug like configuration. He sees Chenle nod in understanding out of the corner of his eye, so he continues. "By doing it this way, it will be completely your work. I think that makes it more special, too."_

_"If you're fine with having a wonky coffee mug, then that's fine, I guess," Chenle shrugs. He regrets that soon after, though, as the action leads to him slightly bending the top of his formation. He squeaks, bringing both hands up to help fix it._

_"Don't panic, you're doing great," he ensures, generosity filling his words. It's true, he's very proud of how well Chenle's been doing so far. Hence why he was sure his boyfriend would be able to finish the mug on his own. Sure, like Chenle had insinuated, it might come out a little imperfect, but this was all for fun anyway. "That's good. Now take the string and cut it off, make sure to leave a little extra clay on the bottom."_

_Chenle sighs while reaching for the dirtied white thread, doing just as Jaemin told him to. He's a bit nervous when it comes to actually cutting but after Jaemin promises it won't matter if it's uneven, he goes for it. Successfully cutting off his nearing complete creation._

_Chenle is visibly proud, falling back into Jaemin's art chair as the older sets his clay making aside to bake later. The younger claps happily, rubbing his clay covered hands together as he waits for Jaemin to sit next to him again. His smile is wide, expression glowing when Jaemin turns back. He leans up for a kiss, which isn't seen frame but doesn't need to be in order tell Jaemin is grinning from ear to ear when they separate again. Features surely mimicking that of Chenle's just as the video ends._

Jaemin finds himself smiling despite the burning in his eyes and heart, memories of that day rushing back to him fast enough to be considered overwhelming. He recalls setting down the camera soon after to bake Chenle's project and help him get the clay off his hands. The instance of Chenle growing worried while struggling with some dried clay on his risk comes to mind and it makes Jaemin giggle.

He'd spent the next few hours coddling Chenle and promising him multiple times he did much better than Jaemin was expecting, and swaering at least twice he wasn't saying so just to be nice. The brunette absorbed all the compliments graciously, smiling with each and every single peck Jaemin delivered to his cheek as a reward of sorts.

Jaemin regrets not recording the decorating process; Chenle had a bit too fun with the painting segment, reminding Jaemin of an overexcited child in art class who had never used paint before. It was a mess but a cute one at that. Chenle looks absolutely breathtaking with nearly every color of paint on his face, even if not all of them ended up on his mug (Jaemin still wonders how, and more so when, that happened), and messy brown hair being the only protection for his forehead not getting the same treatment his cheeks did.

To which Jaemin was grateful for - giving Chenle plenty of forehead kisses while helping him clean up was probably the best of it all, even when the other kept whining about needing assistance rather than affection.

His mouse drifts towards the second video, this time the blurry pause screen being the first thing to greet him. He knows exactly which video this is - he's watched them all so many time he could probably recreate them from memory alone, but that doesn't stop him from clicking play yet again.

_It was surprisingly warm outside on this day. Jaemin remembered because Chenle wouldn't let him forget it was the first day of spring; aka his most adorned season. Jaemin's first impression of Chenle was that the boy reminded him of the sun, and the comparison only became that much more accurate as he got to know him._

_The camera pans around the vast field of a park, reviving trees being seen at some parts as well as decomposing leaves on the ground, making way for soon to be vibrant green grass. It's too early to tell that much of a difference in seasons just yet, but Chenle takes the dates all too literally so reminding him of that does nothing to calm his enthusiasm._

_"Minie! Come over here!" Chenle calls, making Jaemin pause his repetitive circular motions. He stumbles slightly, dizziness catching up to him, but easily grasps his footing again as he jogs over to his boyfriend._

_Chenle's practically glowing from where he's kneeling next to a small patch of freshly bloomed flowers, eyes shining at the side and smile so big it nearly reaches his ears. He drags his hands across them carefully, not wanting to crush such fresh flowers, before his gaze looks up to meet Jaemin's approaching lens._

_He luckily expects it this time. Jaemin only agreed to pause their sci-fi movie marathon once the smaller remembered what day it was with the promise of getting to film him. Jaemin could tell Chenle was ecstatic then because he accepted the offer without a fuss. Normally he'd put up a debate for reasons why he didn't want to be on camera so needless to say, Jaemin was surprised but nonetheless pleased he could finally use the camera again for more than just photos._

_"Oh, you found some flowers?" He inquires with a soft tone, squatting in a similar position to Chenle. The younger nods, pausing his moving hand over the most full grown wild flower of them all._

_Jaemin moves the camera back to his face when he hums, glancing at the screen of his camera to prove he's in frame but quickly averts his eyes back up to the breathtaking sight of his boyfriend, "Yeah, they're so pretty"_

_Chenle picks the blue bud he was eyeing the most, giving it a soft twirl in front of the camera for good measure. Then, without saying anything, he motions Jaemin to lean closer so he can place it behind his ear._

_At least, that's what Jaemin assumed, anyway. The peck to his temple was certainly not as expected but no less welcomed. He smiled at both gestures, turning the camera to him and Chenle as he puckered his lips for a full on kiss. Chenle looked a bit flustered to do so on camera, but still did after a few seconds of hesitance._

_Jaemin's smile nearly doubles in size as he pulls away. He turns his face towards the lens, putting his one free hand under his chin as his fingers lightly tap just under his cheekbone._

_"But I'm still the prettiest flower," he teases cheekily. Chenle laughs as he pushes the joker's shoulder, letting himself fall back unceremoniously on the grass below them. Worries of keeping his sweatpants clean were long forgotten by now - squatting was tiring and Jaemin was good at taking the front space in Chenle's mind the majority of the time. It was both endearing and an inconvenience at times, and he loved Jaemin both ways._

_"That, you are," Chenle admits with an exaggerated defeated sigh. If it were possible, Jaemin's grin could only grow at that._

_He follows Chenle's previous action of moving to actually sit on the surprisingly soft and mostly still yellowed grass, turning his camera to the bright sky for the final frame. He waits until the sun is just half way in view, a handful of clouds to be seen as well before ending the recording._

Jaemin isn't entirely sure when he started crying, but he can feel (and somewhat see, in the reflection of his now black computer screen, helped by the candle he has burning near the corner of his desk) the accustomed wetness nearly cupping around his chin by this point. He softly dabs them away with the back of his hand, eyes not leaving the ended video screen, as if the video isn't yet over already.

This is when he should stop. Normally he can last a few more before the waterworks begin, but today had been extra harsh with deadlines he pushed off until the very last minute and Jaemin swears everyday just seems to be getting harder. It's the complete one eighty of what his therapist said - nothing was getting better,  _he_ wasn't getting better.

He didn't think he would ever get better without Chenle around. So he reaches for his phone, in a manner to how most of these watch throughs end up finishing, and naturally finds the contact he uses most.

His fingers type the usual letters to an  _I miss you_ message he knows will most definitely go unread. Just because Chenle is his most frequented contact doesn't mean it's where he gets the most responses. Chenle changed his number long ago, so quickly Jaemin wonders if he knew he'd still try to get him back, but it's therapeutic in the oddest of ways.

The phone screen turns off on its own after a minute of not touching it. Jaemin is sure more minutes pass by but he doesn't even want to check the time to be sure. He doesn't want to know how long he's been wallowing in sadness and self pity since Chenle left. Jaemin knows it's been a few months but it's felt like forever and he hates that fact.

He hates that he can't get over Chenle no matter how much he tries. Dating is pointless, it's always the same thing; dinner with too many awkward silences to count and exchanged phone numbers that are never put to good use. Therapy doesn't help, either - they can't do much more than tell Jaemin he's depressed and give him medicine that doesn't do anything. No one can bring Chenle back and that's what Jaemin wants most, and yet it's also the only thing he knows he can't have.

A strained sob echoes off his apartment walls as Jaemin clicks on a third video.

_They're inside again. The reason being near intelligible over the classical music drifting through the house. Rain can be heard hitting the windows in the kitchen and can even been seen hitting the balcony from where the camera slightly exposes the glass doors_ _it leads to_ _._

_Jaemin walks into frame, fake rose in one hand and a few battery powered candles in the other_ _\- he doesn't like the dangers that come with lighting real ones_ _. He turns them on with a switch near the bottom, placing them all within the areas he remembers the camera being able to see._

_"Lele! Where'd you go off to?" He calls, straightening out his baggy and very wrinkled t-shirt. Despite the formality he's trying to achieve he's still in the same clothes he slept in, as Chenle is as well._

_Asking him to change would of made him suspicious of Jaemin's plan and if he changed Chenle would complain about looking silly in comparison. This seemed like the best way to go about it._

_"To get some more blankets, why?" The younger responds. His voice is barley heard over the soft music, as he's in a completely different room, but luckily the camera's microphone still picks it up._

_Jaemin straightens his back, "I need you to come here for a second."_

_Barley a few seconds of silence pass before the guest room door opens (they never have guests over anyway so that room basically became that of a storage compartment now) and a freshly dyed mop of blonde hair is quickly seen. Chenle waddles out of the guest room, extra blankets in hand which is helping distract him from the sight of an overly posh Jaemin who also has a fake rose hanging half way out of his mouth. He doesn't take notice to the sight until he moves to place the blankets over the back of their couch, and he chokes on a laugh at his boyfriend's dramatic stance._ _He looks like he was stopped in the middle of a ballroom dance with an imaginary partner._

_Chenle_ _rests his hands on his hips as he scans the minimal decor, occasionally catching the awaiting eyes of the older in the process. Obviously Jaemin didn't have a lot due to the two minutes Chenle left the room for, but the idea is still there. Candles he's only noticing now are the battery powered ones Jaemin insisted on buying the week before, a red table cloth on their coffee table Chenle doesn't quite recognize, as well as the music and oddly placed faux rose between Jaemin's teeth._

_"You're so cheesy," Chenle laughs as he steps closer, giving the room another quick overview. It's only then he catch the red light indicating the perfectly positioned camera is recording, but Chenle isn't all that surprised. Of course Jaemin would film this, of all things; he's been more and more adamant on doing so and Chenle had to admit, after watching back his previous recordings, the idea was growing on him. It was romantic in Jaemin's own special way._

_Instead of countering that very apparent fact, Jaemin offers him the rose, "May I have this dance?" Chenle looks at it curiously for a moment, before smiling even wider._

_"Did you get this from the vase on our kitchen table?" Jaemin's expression falters so comically it sends Chenle into a short lived laughing fit._

_He huffs with a pout on his lips, unable to fight the small upturn to them upon hearing his favorite sound_ _in the world_ _, "Don't ruin it."_

_Chenle calms down a bit, raising his hands in a mock surrender to promise he'd stop teasing. Jaemin's pout dissolves and he grabs Chenle's arms to rest them around his_ _shoulders_ _instead. Chenle raises a brow but doesn't say anything, assuming that him accepting the rose meant accepting the offer of a dance as well._

_He just smiles as Jaemin's own hands find their way to his hips, softly begining to lead their small swaying motions. Nothing crazy, because Jaemin's the dancer of the two, and always pick_ _ed_ _on Chenle for having two left feet. Yet even then Chenle still ends up losing rhythm more than once, which only leads to Jaemin giggling softly before easing him back into a familiar pace._

_It's serene and comforting - two things Chenle always finds himself feeling in Jaemin's arms. He didn't believe in the word perfect, but if it had an equivalent, it would be this._

_Neither are exactly sure how much time passes, they just know music ended at some point in the mist of their love filled staring contest and the camera died probably around a similar time. Jaemin doesn't worry about it, though he does hope it at least recorded their passionate kiss in the middle of it all._

"That's it," Jaemin mumbles to himself, pitiful sniffles following the declaration. That's the most he can take right now. He's tired and venerable and these two things always lead to something that makes the situation worse, so he switches of his desktop for the night.

Chenle doesn't love him anymore. The thought comes in a little to blunt and Jaemin finds himself choking on another sorrow filled cry, but it's the truth. So why can't he accept that?

Why can't he move on as well as Chenle already has? Maybe because, unlike Chenle, his feelings never faded. They still haven't. It's almost as if he believe Chenle's just gone on another one of his family vacations back to China and Jaemin's lost without him. The only difference being there were no nightly video calls and Chenle's never left Korea for more than a month a time. Jaemin hasn't talked to Chenle since that fateful day when he ended it all and ripped Jaemin's heart pure out of his chest.

Chenle had said it was for the better that they cut off all contact. He claimed he knew Jaemin than Jaemin knew himself, and that staying in contact would only make the healing process harder and maybe even lead Jaemin to false hope. At the end of the day Jaemin knew he was right, though he still never wanted to accept it.

He wanted to hear Chenle's voice again, and not in those, what he deems, too short videos on his social media pages. Instead of looking at recent photos he wanted to see Chenle again, in person, and hold him. If only for the last time.

But that wouldn't happen. It would  _never_  happen; and he needed to remember that.

Jaemin shakes his head, as if that will rid him of the thoughts of the only person he's ever come to care for more than anything or anyone else (it doesn't, but he wants to believe it does). He's drained, emotionally exhausted, and in desperate need of some sleep. He knows he'll still wake up feeling no different, maybe just a bit more aware, but he could worry about that time when it comes.

His desk chair was very uncomfortable, but in his eyes still a better option than his bed, of which he knew he'd spend the rest few hours of darkness tossing and turning in only to think about how much colder it felt. So he pushes his keyboard farther back to give him more resting space, and slowly closes his eyes. Jaemin feels himself relax almost immediately despite the awkward position.

Everything hurts, and it would most certainly only get worse in the morning, but Jaemin feels comforted upon seeing the familiar face of his beloved while drifting off to sleep. In a familiar setting, too, of which Jaemin would realize later as the fourth video.

_The initial image is a bit wobbly, seeing as it's been over a whole season since Jaemin's got the chance to use his camera and he honestly forgot how to tell when it was recording. The red light nearing the front kindly reminds him, and if his hands weren't full he might of face-palmed at how obvious of an indicator that was._

_Instead, he's grateful his stupidity can't be seen on camera, and can only hope his future self won't remember while watching these back. He regains control of it's steadiness and directs the frame to his favorite filming subject; his boyfriend, of whom is enjoying the light snowfall on this November evening._

_There's not enough to do anything with, not even the smallest of snowmen, but Chenle still insisted on coming out anyways. Something about the novelty of it, or another thing along those lines. All Jaemin knows is he can't feel his face and he blames his boyfriend's puppy eyes entirely for being too irresistible._

_The younger spins again, this time catching the familiar black box in Jaemin's hands, and stops so comically Jaemin can't help but giggle behind the camera._

_"Oh look, it's the birthday boy." He smiles, zooming in on Chenle's frozen face. The blonde simply rolls his eyes, returning to spinning as if he didn't even notice that Jaemin was filming._

_"There's still two days till my birthday, Min," Chenle corrects, lids fluttering close as he looks up towards the cloudy sky. Thin snowfalls land easily onto his cheeks, melting almost instantly due to the not yet cold enough temperatures and his natural body heat._

_"So? It's still your birth-week, same difference," he responds simply, doing a quick circle around his boyfriend to cover all angles as he thinks Chenle looks extra pretty today._

_The younger opens one eye at the excessive sounds of crunching snow, and laughs at Jaemin's silly antics. It makes Jaemin stop dead in tracks almost instantly, grin forming on his lips so subtlety he barley even realizes it. Chenle truly does look amazing like this; milky cheeks tinted pink from the cold and nose scrunched as he releases sounds nothing short of pure joy. It makes Jaemin feel warm even in the biting weather that he's the reason for it._

_"I need to stop introducing you to American tv shows," Chenle softly giggles with the shake of his head. Jaemin only juts out his bottom lip, sadly going unnoticed by the smaller, when leads him to stepping forward to wrap him in his arms._

_"You love me," Jaemin says with a matter-of-fact edge to his tone. Because it's true, he loves Chenle just as much (even if he'd personally claim more) than Chenle loves him. And that notice never fails to let another family of butterflies erupt in his chest._

_"Got me there," Chenle jokingly sighs, smile never leaving his lips even as he gently grips Jaemin's chin to bring him in for a chaste kiss._

_Jaemin feels his previously freezing face heat up drastically at the contact, smile only growing even if that makes them fall slightly out of sync. Neither of them care, too wrapped up in the feeling of bliss and each other's presences to focus on anything else. Maybe a bit to wrapped up, Jaemin would later think, as he heads back to the park to collect the camera he dropped somewhere in the mist of their kissing session and impromptu snowball fight._

_And when he would watch the footage back at work the next day, he would smile about the last hour of it's battery recording the majority of their time there. Including when Jaemin jumped on an unsuspecting Chenle's back, sending them both into the snow and the laughing fit that took maybe a little too long to come down from._

_He'd then save it to the folder our_beautiful_time.mp4, rewatch the videos with Chenle by his side later that night, and smile at the sight of him sleeping once that exact video ended._

_They weren't perfect, but they had each other, and that to them was perfection at its finest. And Jaemin wouldn't have it any other way._


End file.
